I feel like I am missing it.
Like I am doing it all, but missing every moment.
Because every moment I am preparing for the next.
Like I am on the right path, but I am stumbling over every brick.
Are the good days only good for me?
Or are they good for her too?
I miss myself a lot
So I am sure my husband does too
I can see her but she’s on the other side of a glass wall
Getting to her would shatter everything I have built
I don’t want to be her again
I just wish she could visit still
My life feels like a snow globe, so intricately built inside
But constantly shaken up as I watch from the outside
Why is it so hard to be in the moment
When I can see how beautiful they truly are?
My life feels like a snow globe
And I’m busy trying not to drop the glass ball
Intimacy and touch have always been hard for me
So when I hold my daughter, I hope I don’t feel cold
I am so scared of doing it all wrong
And not being the person she calls home
Logic doesn’t live here
There is no reason and there is no rhyme
Just me digging my feet into the ground trying to slow down time.
Because I feel like I am missing it
When I looked at her today
She looks so much bigger than she did yesterday
I am glad she’s sleeping … truly
Or I might have lost my mind
But it means I am one day closer to her no longer being all mine
I thought I would mean it when I tell my friends
"I wish I was there"
But the truth is I don’t want to be anywhere but here
People ask how I am doing
But it is so hard to explain it to them
I am settling into a new skin that feels like a patchwork quilt
I still have the pieces of who I used to be,
But they’ve been cut and sewn back together again
And I hate that I’m missing it
The body I used to have
I didn’t love it then so why do I miss it now?
I don’t need to be told the sacrifice was worth it
As if two things can’t both be felt somehow
There’s a bit of that postpartum rage…
It comes out when people tell me to deal a certain way
I do well with hiding it most days, but most days is not today
I missed my job
Now I miss my daughter
And for a moment
I just wish the background noise would stop getting louder
I’m doing so well
But well feels like treading water
Because I still feel like I’m missing it.
